And so softly, I do the dishes, I feed the fishes.

[leahbobet]

The people, they are talkin' about masculinity, and the notion of the Real Man, and domesticity as it relates to that. Mostly because of the Superbowl ads this year, which I didn't see.

tithenai takes a different tack on it, and is smart about why men she finds attractive do the dishes.

She said the following, which made something go off in my head:

"Men I find attractive do the dishes because dishes need to be done. These men cook. They eat fruit. They make bread. They clean up after themselves, not to impress me, but because they are responsible, autonomous adults. Self-sufficiency, you see, is sexy. Not because it means they'll look after me -- an idea which frankly makes my skin crawl -- but because it means that they don't need me to look after them."

And WHAM. I have realized the disconnect between how Superbowl commercials, pop culture, the world views housework and how I view it with regards to who's doing what when to who.

People who leave dishes piled up in the sink, not seeing it as their problem, aren't, in my world, full adults. If they look at something that to any grownup is obviously a task needing to be done and don't see a task needing to be done, that...er, means they're kind of an idiot. Something is clearly wrong with their perception of the objective world if they can't put together dirty sock on the floor = unsightly and dirty sock on the floor = mine and come up with well, let's stick that in the laundry bag. Either that or they're not capable of sticking it in the laundry bag.

I'm a Batman girl. I like competence.* I find competence exceedingly attractive.***

So any guy who is trying to make me do the dishes all the time or can't handle his half of a household's work is making the argument to me that he is incompetent in some fashion, even if that fashion is just logic or consideration. If he can't handle a dish or a sock, well, sheesh, I can handle that even when I have the flu. It's not even a question of me having to take care of someone, like tithenai mentioned; it's just...really? I can do something without thinking about it and you can't do it at all?

It gets very hard to respect such a person after a very short while.


*Dudes who are applying to this office to date me, take note!**
**No, I joke. I am aware that nobody who reads this LJ is actually applying to this office to date me.
***Okay, it doesn't hurt if you're voiced by Kevin Conroy too.

Comments

[kelljones.livejournal.com]

I like competence.* I find competence exceedingly attractive.***

I agree. For me, the parts of this post that resonate are less about how people were raised and how things are now than about how I would like them to be.

And, for me, that means I find people attractive who are aware of their own competence and who don't hesitate to use it, and who also don't hesitate to expand it. I don't mind someone not knowing how to do something nearly so much as I mind someone who doesn't think they could learn to do it, or who sees no reason to learn how to get things done. (Yes, I agree that defining what's necessary is tricky -- but I think it's part of who's compatible with my lifestyle.)

It also means -- and this is really important to me -- that they assume I am competent or could become competent as a particular task. I've found this far rarer among men than I personally would like. That said, I have a (male) furnace mechanic who taught me how to take the furnace apart and change filters, sensors, and nozzles, without ever asking me why I wanted to learn or assuming I would have a hard time learning or doing the task. I have a (male) car mechanic who listens to what I describe and taught me how to change fuel filters, etc. These should not be rare, in my world. Yet I'm still looking for a plumber (the last one -- male -- asked me if I was married as part of the plumbing diagnosis). (Luckily, my dad -- male, and not of my generation -- said of course I could fix my faucet myself and explained the process over the phone.)

I'm finding men who do housework a lot more common than men who assume I know what kind of car/furnace/computer/degree I have, these days. Even other women don't often assume I could have competence in these areas. But I am extremely encouraged by the ones who exist.