Thank you for this article. It is difficult, finding out that someone you like -- A Good Person -- is also A Bad Person.
I find that whenever a couple get divorced, there is always a little dance that occurs among their friends. Each side wants to be validated by their friends, to cast the other as the one at fault. Personally, I've found that it is as useless to try to assign blame for a breakup as it is to try to figure out who gets the credit for them getting married to begin with. So I try not to take sides.
I'm not saying "oh, both sides are to blame, so I won't take sides" or anything like that. What I'm saying is that my relationship with each person of the couple is completely separate from their relationship to each other. Example. OK, suppose I find out that John and Mary are getting divorced because he's been having affairs right and left. He's a scumbag in the relationship department. But he's a good co-worker, competent and fun to work with (he's charming; that's how he had so many affairs). I'd work with him on a project team, and probably enjoy his company -- but I won't introduce him to my sister as a possible date, and I may well warn a new girl that while he is charming, she should watch herself with him.
In other words, in some contexts he's Bad, but in other contexts, Good. We all are. I have never yet met a saint, nor a demon. This is not to excuse bad behavior; when someone crosses the line, he (or she) should have to face the consequences and hopefully will learn to act better in the future. But I am not necessarily the designated castigator, nor need that control all my interactions with that person.
It would be a pity if this person (whom I do not know) were to be entirely cut off by his former friends. A change in behavior requires context, and frankly, he is more apt to learn to behave better if he has people whose good opinion he wants to hold onto telling him "watch it!". But the ban should have been enforced. That is a predictable and expected consequence of his actions, and letting him weasel out of it sends the wrong message.
Some may feel that a lifetime ban is too harsh, but those are the rules nonetheless. It may be that once a new policy is adopted, at some future time he might be able to petition for the lifting of the lifetime ban. But right now, at this time, with that rule in place, he should have been sentenced that lifetime ban.
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timeasmymeasure
Complicated
Date: 2012-07-31 06:23 pm (UTC)It is difficult, finding out that someone you like -- A Good Person -- is also A Bad Person.
I find that whenever a couple get divorced, there is always a little dance that occurs among their friends. Each side wants to be validated by their friends, to cast the other as the one at fault. Personally, I've found that it is as useless to try to assign blame for a breakup as it is to try to figure out who gets the credit for them getting married to begin with. So I try not to take sides.
I'm not saying "oh, both sides are to blame, so I won't take sides" or anything like that. What I'm saying is that my relationship with each person of the couple is completely separate from their relationship to each other. Example. OK, suppose I find out that John and Mary are getting divorced because he's been having affairs right and left. He's a scumbag in the relationship department. But he's a good co-worker, competent and fun to work with (he's charming; that's how he had so many affairs). I'd work with him on a project team, and probably enjoy his company -- but I won't introduce him to my sister as a possible date, and I may well warn a new girl that while he is charming, she should watch herself with him.
In other words, in some contexts he's Bad, but in other contexts, Good. We all are. I have never yet met a saint, nor a demon. This is not to excuse bad behavior; when someone crosses the line, he (or she) should have to face the consequences and hopefully will learn to act better in the future. But I am not necessarily the designated castigator, nor need that control all my interactions with that person.
It would be a pity if this person (whom I do not know) were to be entirely cut off by his former friends. A change in behavior requires context, and frankly, he is more apt to learn to behave better if he has people whose good opinion he wants to hold onto telling him "watch it!". But the ban should have been enforced. That is a predictable and expected consequence of his actions, and letting him weasel out of it sends the wrong message.
Some may feel that a lifetime ban is too harsh, but those are the rules nonetheless. It may be that once a new policy is adopted, at some future time he might be able to petition for the lifting of the lifetime ban. But right now, at this time, with that rule in place, he should have been sentenced that lifetime ban.