Unscientific Data-Gathering

[leahbobet]

Okay. For a variety of reasons, mostly involving long-term relationships, I've not dated very much in the past seven years. It occurs to me I have no idea what's standard.

Of course, I am solving this via silly internet polling. :p

Life's more fun that way.

(Sorry, I know this poll is kinda heteronormative. If I could cash in for the shot that makes me like girls more, I would probably do so at this point out of sheer frustration, but it's not the dynamic I'm trying to figure out at present.)

[Poll #1101787]

Science thanks you.

Comments

[maradydd.livejournal.com]

"The shot that makes [one] like girls more" is often defined as "kissing girls". Srsly. Girls have uber soft lips.

[leahbobet.livejournal.com]

Okay, that icon made me giggle. *g*

Is it mean to kiss girls cavalierly in this fashion?

[maradydd.livejournal.com]

As for "when is the appropriate time to broach questions of the sexual nature with a girl?", I have to say "whenever you are ready for whatever response you are going to get." By "ready", I mean "capable of handling said response in a mature and non-dramatic fashion".

I'm currently friends with people who I shot down when they hit on me less than 24 hours after meeting me, because they (1) weren't jackasses, and (2) continued to be interesting. There are also people I no longer speak to because, despite how long a friendship we'd had, they could not get it through their heads that no means no and I'm not kidding.

[maradydd.livejournal.com]

Hah, and I am totally not a boy but I answered the boy question anyway. Genderfuckery FTW!

[leahbobet.livejournal.com]

I think what I'm tiptoeing around is: when boys start asking things of a sekshul nature before the second (or first!) date, is my reaction of 'well I know what you're here for and therefore I'm no longer interested' a holdover of a younger/flinchier attitude or am I seeing something genuinely at issue?

Clearly I had to make a pretzel of myself first to find that out. :p

[phantom_wolfboy]

In terms of questions of a sexual nature, it really depends on the questions. "Does it bother you that I'm bisexual and polyamourous?", for example, is one that I like to get out of the way as soon as possible. I mean, if it bothers them, then we likely aren't going to last very long. Questions pertaining to specific kinks/practices, on the other hand, can wait a while.

[leahbobet.livejournal.com]

Yeah, those kinds of questions I class differently. That's pretty basic stuff to know going in.

[raecarson.livejournal.com]

"So do you still look as hot as you did when I last saw you?"

I HATE that question. And when you have internet guy friends, you get it a lot.

I invariably say, "Well, I've gained about 30 lbs, but I feel like I'm a much happier person."

The first guy I said that to split the chatroom in, like, 5 seconds. (Asshole.)

The last one married me.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

I tend to say things like, "No, I have had my nose tattooed a bright blue, and I constantly wear upside-down tutus on my head with a hole cut for my face."

Any guy who can't deal with sarcastic WTFery from me is not really friend material, much less anything else. (Not that I am currently in search of anything else, having been adequately -- nay, abundantly -- supplied with anything else for years now.)

[leahbobet.livejournal.com]

Hah!

I should try that. *g*

[buymeaclue.livejournal.com]

>I invariably say, "Well, I've gained about 30 lbs, but I feel like I'm a much happier person."

Ha! I adore you.

[ccfinlay.livejournal.com]

Smart man, very smart man.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

You can't have similar life goals with me without brains and common interests. And also something warm for my genitals. And also several otehr things. My life goals are kind of like that.

(I'm taking "life goals" to mean "life priorities/outlook." markgritter has never wanted to publish fiction, and that's really just as well -- but fiction is a pretty important thing to him.)

[leahbobet.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that's about how I meant it, knowing that really that's a tickybox question and not a radio button question. That picture of how you want your life to be and what kinds of things you want it to involve.

[shiroiko.livejournal.com]

Doesn't it all depend on context? I mean, that could come off flirty (in an awkward, dorky-line sort of way) or kinda creepy all depending on who said it and how it was said (or written, as may be the case).

As for the question to the boys, if I may put my girl two cents in I think that really depends what type of sexual question is asked, how it's asked, and how you feel about the individual person who is asking. Sometimes something just comes up in conversation and you happen to feel comfortable with the person you're talking with (be it on the first or fiftieth date)... sometimes not so much. Just consult your inner creepy-o-meter because, alas, I don't think there are any set rules for this sort of thing.

[leahbobet.livejournal.com]

Thing is, I am trying to calibrate my inner creepy-o-meter. I suspect it might be broken. :/

[buymeaclue.livejournal.com]

My reaction to the first one would really depend on the preexisting relationship. That is, if it's someone I'm already flirting back and forth with, I'd probably be somewhere in between 1 and 2. If it's more of a cold-call, I'm leaning towards 4.

My answer to the look-for question is "compatible personality," which I feel like is not quite the same thing as "brains," but I couldn't really explain why.

[chibibluebird.livejournal.com]

1) I think it depends on their tone, or emoticon, or whatever. 2) My answer is "right away" based on my personal experience of guys being tricky about this. There is that creepy, dangerous cultural idea that guys need to trick or pressure girls into sex. 3) I hope brains doesn't = smartness in this poll. There are a lot of smart people I wouldn't want to date.

[leahbobet.livejournal.com]

My answer is "right away" based on my personal experience of guys being tricky about this. There is that creepy, dangerous cultural idea that guys need to trick or pressure girls into sex.

That's actually kinda funny you say that. To me, bringing the subject up right away like that feels like being pressured.

[timprov.livejournal.com]

Where's the button for "these questions break my brain?"

[leahbobet.livejournal.com]

We no has that button, sir.

[ginny-t.livejournal.com]

On the first one, depends on how early in the communication this line is delivered. If it's before "how've you been?", dude's totally getting a boot to the head. Even if it's after all those pleasantries, it's pretty off-putting. "Why do you ask? Are you hot? Are you buff? What was the last book you read? Why do my looks matter?!"

Okay, fine, I can't think of a situation in which that wouldn't piss me right off. I have a good imagination, too. (I'm also Angry Feminist lately, so …)

[leahbobet.livejournal.com]

At least it's not just me who gets very, very prickly at body comments. *g*

[veejane.livejournal.com]

"So do you still look as hot as you did when I last saw you?"

Any comparative-looks phraseology from a prospective date leads us directly to splitsville, do not pass Go, do not collect $200. Anybody worried about how hot I am obviously doesn't give a shit that I've just sabotaged the brake lines in his car.

(Oop, did I say that out loud?)

The number of intelligent and awesome sexually-frustrated women I know is staggering. And yet, I wouldn't trade in my pickiness just to scratch an itch, much less for the prospect of something lasting. Frustration is frustration, but one has standards, you know?

[leahbobet.livejournal.com]

One indeed has standards. Lots of them. With barbed wire coiled atop.

It is unfortunate that one needs barbed wire on one's standards.

[redplum.livejournal.com]

"So do you still look as hot as you did when I last saw you?"

Ew! Just ew. I might be able to be friends with someone who asked this question without realizing how appalling it is, but I wouldn't be able to date them. The lack of self-awareness would be an instant dealbreaker.

[leahbobet.livejournal.com]

It made me sad. He was very gentlemanly in person. And then that. :/

[froggie-spawn.livejournal.com]

So do you still look as hot as you did when I last saw you?"

Totally ew. And also, I suppose from his perspective, honest in a funny way? And also, damn, I *am* hot, go me! Heh. I'm so conflicted. If I were clever enough in the moment, I suppose I would try to turn it around.

"Yup. And you? Because I have to say, if there hasn't been improvement, this conversation is over."


PS. (hee, in a now deleted sentence, I typed "jeteronormative" and briefly imagined marriage with jetpacks!)

[leahbobet.livejournal.com]

heeeeeee.

I would like my marriage to be jeteronormative. I propose* that all people who feel the sanctity of marriage is being eroded should make with the rocket backpacks now.

*Demand.

[clarentine]

For what it's worth to science, I married a man who I had only known a short while, who had many similar interests and made me laugh (you've seen my weird sense of humor in action, so you understand why this was important to me), and who really had no espoused goals in life (at the time, though I've managed to convince him they're necessary), and we have been married now for 21 years.

Sometimes he annoys me mightily, but the similar interests mean that as we've matured, so has the relationship. Seeing what some others have gone through, I generally count myself as lucky.

[leahbobet.livejournal.com]

Science thanks you. :)

[katfeete.livejournal.com]

1) Uh, I don't think anyone's ever said that to me. I think it would mildly squick me, but I would assume it was meant as a joke, hah-hah, aren't I cute when I'm nervous? And boys are cute when they're nervous. So not an auto-dump, but no points either.

I am unqualified to answer 2), both in terms of relative equipment and because I don't think I've ever been in a relationship where the boy broached The Sex Question. It was always me. OK, Dan met me halfway, but in general I am waaaay too impatient to wait and be chased. Or chaste.

Anyone with my life interests is by definition terribly intelligent. He chose RIGHT. *grin*

Everyone's different. But in general, if someone makes me edgy, that at the very least tells me they didn't know me very well, which is not a turn-on. I like my men to pay attention to who I am, not who they think I am or what their buddies/movies/culture tells them girls are.

I've had three boyfriends and two one-night stands, and only one of those would I consider a mistake. And I never slept with anybody who made me feel awkward, squicked, or like I was acting a part or playing a game. That's a loosing street.

IMO, obviously. Your milage may vary.